ugetthejist's Blog

People hide for different reasons.....

Some people hide because, they want to know someone cares enough to look for them. 

My youngest brother gave me some pills to help me out.  I think I'll have a good nights sleep starting in jist a minute?  Damn these things hit me hard and fast.  I forget my point now?

Oh....I'm going through one of those push you away problems.  If the girls didn't have their Dad in this State I would be gone in two seconds flat!  I hate this.  I am a strong supporter of paternal rights so I'd never do it.  But if it wasn't for him I'd be gone.  I can't stand to be here anymore. 

jist

My youngest brother gave me some pills to help me out.  I think I'll have a good nights sleep starting in jist a minute?  Damn these things hit me hard and fast.  I forget my point now?

Oh....I'm going through one of those push you away problems.  If the girls didn't have their Dad in this State I would be gone in two seconds flat!  I hate this.  I am a strong supporter of paternal rights so I'd never do it.  But if it wasn't for him I'd be gone.  I can't stand to be here anymore. 

jist

I can't get it off my heart how I was that girl.  Being that girl ruined every good memory I ever had about M_.  I wish I could let it go.  Sleeping has only become more of a chore in my life.

M_ was my only good memory where nothing else got in the way or something like that.  My girls are full of good memories, but I see so many ways in which I wished I hadn't passed on my genetics in them.  So many things that have do to with DNA.  Mistakes I've made things like that. I guess what I'm saying is it's a different kind of comparison.  Not the same at all. 

M_, was simply something wonderful.  Since then I have never been able to open up my heart to anyone else.  I was afraid once someone really knew me they'd hate me.  Sometime my head can get a bit crazy and not in the fun way.  I get help and I do better everyday, but I never trusted M_ enough to open up and let him in. 

Years later after his life has moved on and seems together I come along and become that girl.  I became the one that will always be the secret.  It wasn't worth it.  It was selfish of me.  I remember him saying he wished I had closure over all those years.  I remember how more than once he said I don't owe him anything.  That made me so mad.  I didn't want closure.  I like feeling the gratitude I have for what he did for me. I'm the one who left, I'm the one who ran.  It was those memories that kept me going on some of my worst days.  It was the place I could go when my dreams become too much for my mind to handle.  And now I can't go there.  I hate it, and I hate myself for what I've done. 

I'll add it to my list of things I mange to f*ck up.  I left the first time.  I played the game the second time.  No one to blame but me.  And, yes M_'s all grown up and makes his own choices, I'm jist saying I'm the one who started it all.

You probably couldn't tell if you met me in person how much I don't like myself.  See I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for M_.  I hated myself.  I have always had a problem with hurting myself.  Not in ways people would see b/c I'm way too sneaky for that.  When M_ was around I felt like I made a difference in the world.  M_ was the one person in my life who showed me what 'normal' was.  I was a nice thing to see.   I can remember not too long after I left and a car was coming towards me.  I had every intention on letting it me, but them I remembered I was pregnant.  Things like that didn't go through my head when he'd talk to me. 

So now I am that girl.  I am that secret.  I am that girl that hurt someone in the worst way. Even if no one ever finds out how much I hurt someone I never met for things I wanted for myself.  I will always be the secret she may never know and the one who hurt her even if she never finds out.

I was invited to go out.  Not this weekend it's way too busy.  But a coworker and I discussed going out.  She's tons of fun and we laugh while at work.  But I decided I wasn't ready.  I don't want to start hanging out with people yet. 

Tomorrow I work in the morn 6a and evening at two different stores.  I got off work tonight at 11:30p.  I'll be dog tired tomorrow.  I'm fine with it, not complaints.  I volunteered to do it since so many are busy with the race.  I love my job so it will be no biggie jist make me tired. 

I feeling peacful right now.  I want badly to see my girls, but they are with their dad for the weekend. 

Jist me

As if yesterday wasn't stressful enough. 

I have a friend who is not doing so well.  Physically.  Not gonna list details here b/c I'm not sure what's appropriate.  But that's killing me and I can't seem to get it all out.  And I hate there is nothing I can do about it.

My car breaks down right after I take my girls to their dad's.  Actually right by his house.  I call my mom to pick me up and of course she does.  But in the mean time guess who gets to help me.  The ex husband and his wife.  I have no problems with them, none at all.  My problem was the fact that there was no one else to help except for them.  No one else to help or call and cry to. I sent out a text to one person I know, but no response so oh well. 

I'm jist getting to a point where I feel like it's all falling apart!?!?  I'm not sure how to handle it.  My mom and dad have spent so much money to get me free from my last relationship.  So that abuse could stop.  But it seems like nothing ever changes.  It still seems like no matter what I touch or what I do it all jist f*cks up. 

I'm falling apart and I don't even know how to express it.  There is so much.  It seems like everything I touch of anything I'm part of jist gets ruined.  People and things.  And then to talk about it make me angry b/c  I think, dammit Jenni, stop feeling sorry for  yourself.  But damn it's one thing after another and never stops.

Someone form ICOC came into my store yesterday.  He starts asking all these questions and blah blah.  Then conversation turns to how it has taken him 18yrs to finally get restored back to the church.  That leads my thoughts to all the crap about God bringing me to my knees and things would be better if.........  The ultimate reason always being God is making you suffer b/c he wants your love and attention, not b/c he's punishing you.  But why do so many people around have to suffer????  I those ppl don't start coming to my store.  I  hope it was him by chance and they don't start coming.  I won't be able to handle that right now.  Not with what I've done lately. 

I jist so needed to rant...

I didn't get to sleep today so I am super tired and feeling a bit loopy.  So things may not make sense much.

I'm jist taking a moment to rant and complain.  If someone feels the need to laugh at me, feel free, I don't mind.  All I ask is jist wait until tomorrow b/c right now it's built up.

During her frst 7yrs of life T_ has all ready had (she is my youngest)

1.stitiches on an eyebrow

2. stitches on her chin

3. staples in her head

4.broken arm.

She's all girl and will trip over her own two feet.  Today while on the way to the bus stop or better simply going out the door she got hurt again.  T_ and Z_,10yrs old, compete about everything.  T_ is much taller than Z_ and Z_ loves playing the victom. 

Today they both deiced they were going to shut be the one to shut the front door.  Wel the damb front door never even got shut!!!  Or if it did T_'s finger stopped it.

T_ turned 8yrs old jist a few weeks ago.  Now she has a broken bone in her little finger. It's stitched up and missing some skin, and the nail will fall off soon.  T_ will be seeing a hand specialist next week and they have her on antibiotics.  I hate antibiotics, but it is pretty gross.

Somehow I thought having daughters meant I didn't have to deal with so many ER visits???  ERG!!!!

Today was very difficult.  I felt like I had no one to call and sit with me or simply jist sit on the phone with me.  I have/had many friends in the cult, I mean church, I jist left.  Somehow I felt like calling one of them would be more about what I deserve and blah blah blah rather than jist sitting quietly with me and being a friend. 

I had the privilage of holding my daughter down more than 1/2 a dozen times so she couldn't move.  While I'm holding her down some stranger is causing her pain.  The doctors always give parents the option of leaving the room if it's too hard for us.  Jeeze, yep, it's hard on ME so I need to leave the room.  Instead we will call in a doctor or nurse to assiste.  So basically some stranger will come hold down my child so she can't move.  While she screams as loud as she knows how to and scared to death. I'll stay in the hall with my hands over my ears b/c it's to hard on ME!!!

I felt so selfish b/c I didn't want to be there alone.  Nothing anything anyone could have done, nothing I wanted done.  I jist didn't want to be alone.  And here my youngest is hurting. 

Yep like I said jist bitching and ranting....I feel much better now.

The words self sabotage keep racing through my mind.  I think it's right.  I think my friend is right in that I have a way of sabotaging things out of fear.  In I know he's right. 

I make jokes, but in truth I really am afraid of 'normal'.  So I find something wrong and make it a problem.  I'm not sure how, but I do.

By normal I only mean not having drama, issues, and problems on a regular basis.  It's my own definition jist for me. 

I can see it.  I can acknowledge it.  I believe it is true.  But how do I fix it?  How do I make my life 'work'. 

At least now I can see it even if I don't have any answers.  That's one step forward. 

My youngest, 8yrs old, jist took her school scissors and cut her hair!!!  She has no bangs.  NONE!!!! They hair on the top of her head is cut straight to the root. 

Her daddy is gonna give some big long lecture now!!!!  IDK what to do?  Um do you think it will grow back by next weekend?

I woke up this morning to my ususal sounds of summer.  The sounds I've been listening to for the past 14 or so springs and summers.  I heard the trains, the church bells, and now the sounds of the 500 race are starting too.  So much time has been wasted.  I don't want it back b/c I've learned so much.  I only wish somehow I could make it different.

When I woke up I thought of texting M_.  It was good thoughts, but I didn't.  I have this problem?????  Things sound good in my head then when they come out they are suddenly all wrong.  Since M_ never ask, and I don't blame him w/ our history, I decided instead not to contact.  I'd rather say nothing than have it come out bad.

Today I want to paint my stairs.  We'll see how far I get?

Today is going to be a fake it until I make it kind of day.  I can certainly feel myself 'falling apart' today.  The weekend is coming, my girls will be gone and I have nothing to do.  A_ is checking into the hospital Monday to have her baby. M_ is turning out to not be such a friend after all.  It's not what he says so much as he says NOTHING!!!! 

Anyone who sees me will have no clue how upset I am.  The truth is I'm having one of those moments where, I don't wanna be mom, a girl, a Batista, alive!  I simply want to crawl in a whole and fade away.

Why can I not find that happiness in me?  Can what happened when I was only in grade school really effect me now?  Why can't I let it all go, be alone, and not interact w/ anyone.  I ruin whatever I touch.  It's a cycle that never seems to end for me.  Now I can't even have my happy dream anymore.  I hate it.  I truely do. 

UGetTheJist...

A little background info first.  Ariel is 14yrs old and Alisa is 13yrs old.  They have always gone to the same school together and share many friends.  They have the rumor LG b/c it's the best phone to text with Sprint!    I make them share b/c they are always together and I know not to be texting in class????  (right)Ariel: give me the phone Alisa



Alisa: no!



Ariel: you can't text why you pee that''s gross.















Alisa: too bad...I wasn't reallyy peeing I only wanted to lock myself in there so you couldn't take the phone.







***************l8r*********************

Alisa: Ariel is getting love text from some boy



Ariel: it's Quinntin!!!! It's not love msg



Alisa grabs phone and shows me text



Ariel: it doesn't count...it's not real love b/c he used a U instead of you.







Me:::: Please explain to me how in texting luv u, i love you, i love u are three totally different things and don't have the same definition?????? Really I want to understand!!!!!

ANOTHER STORY!!!!

Jist last week Ariel had a teacher take the phone away for texting in class.  Ariel's excuse was she thought it was me and it might be important.  I sent them both to school the next day with one pound of Starbucks Coffee as a bribe to get the phone back.  And that's exactly what they told the teacher.  "Mom said to use this coffee to bribe you for our phone back"....  And BTW  the teacher didn't like coffee I had to get her Tazo tea instead.  However, she also kept the coffee to give to a friend.  REALLY!!!!  IS ALL THIS WORTH IT????  Jist kidding....i really think it's funny.

If anyone reads this to give input plz no making fun.  Normally I accept the fact that I have issues and can laugh about them w/ anyone, but not right now.  After it's settled we can come back a make fun of all this next week.

The doctor increased my Prozac last week...doubled.  I have been on it for about 3years.  Now I feel like I'm in a fog.  I feel like I have heartburn, but it may also be a panic attack.  I feel like I'm not myself, but like a stranger is using my body.  I do feel better to some degree b/c I'm not having random and uncontrolable bouts of crying and all that crap.

I do need it.  I know not to simply stop taking it b/c that could cuz more issues.  Lately I've made some awful choices that have led to more than my usual amount of drama....any questions read blogs below or ask.

Thanks and please help....jenni   This stuff is f*cking with my head!

I took all the girls shopping.  ALL four of my daughters shopping for shoes.  Zoe' has hit her preteen growing spell so she's skipped two sizes.  Ariel and Alisa have pretty much worn through their shoes and I had four holes in my work shoes.  Big holes! 

It was rather testing to say the least.  We went to the Speedway shopping strip.  The guy at the shoe store was very helpful.  Of course he was also very quick to get us out the door too.  Too funny.  Ariel and Alisa got their new shoes...skater type I guess.  I got my from payless...go figure....it was a buy one get one sale. 

We also went to Kohls and AJ Wright's b/c I am in desperate need of clothes that fit me this summer.  WEll no luck.  I'll have to deal with short that hang on my hips...erg!  Oh wait....garage sale season??? 

It wasn't too bad in the end.  But Mommy was certainly tested.  Oh....no luck for Zoe'.  Her feet problems make it difficult to find shoes that both fit and she likes. 

**************************(for me only)

I must say I do miss playing games.  Why isn't anything fun anymore?  Why can't I say what I mean?  I try, but it comes out wrong....rude or hateful or distant?  It's not what I'm trying to say, but it's what comes out.  ERG!  I am so easily confused? 

I would feel like what I put on myspace was directed toward you.  Then you'd think things, bad stuff, that wasn't about you?  My password changing even.  Crazy stupid stuff I know!  Lately it's been heissexy1.  If you can't figure that out I'm not telling. 

Oh well....I'll be back in therapy and it will be part of my plan.  To understand things and express myself better.  I was hoping you were going to be 'part' of it all, but it never got to that

No One will understand this but me.  It's only for my records. 

I don't know how much longer I can do this.  Your happiness means more to me than most anything.  I know what I did many years ago was awful.  I can understand why you would not trust me.  But to continue things as they are is no ok?!?!  Hopefully we soon will have a resolution.  If not I don't know what to do except disappear?  Please tell me.

I want so much to be part of each other lives.  I'm not really angry, but certainly nervous and scared.  I do know if things continue as they are I will get angry.  And I believe you would too.  It simply isn't who we are. 

I don't want to be out of each others lives again.  I also refuse to be that sappy kind of girl though too.  Hopefully I'll hear from you soon.  Before I give up?

  I miss you something horrible!  Ok you were jist here Monday and Tuesday, but I still miss you.  Things haven't been the same since we started ________?  I miss all the joking, teasing, and expcially the games. 

I used to call you or text whenever.  Now I feel like I'm bothering you.  I know you kinda said the same thing?  It's all very confusing?  I'm counting on you to let me know what up.  Like I said I don't trust myself right now. 

My heart is broken, not b/c I don't see you, but b/c we don't play anymore.  Now things are all serious.  I don't have all the answers, but you need to talk to me.  You really do!

I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss my friend part of it all.  I almost wish we'd never 'hooked up' b/c it's not fun anymore.  Now it's all uptight and I want both, but I'd rather be your friend forever than to have to give you up for good.  I'm in love with you.  I want your happiness above all else.  Jist talk w/ me?

I need accountability so I figure if I write this for someone to read then I have to get it done.

Tomorrow I MUST go to the city county building to finish filing paper work.  I also MUST get the no contact order filed!  I hate the stalking. I also MUST get to Cummins to get a copy of my medical records before my doctor appointment.   So someone ask me what I got done?  PLEASE????

The rest of this may only make sense to me. 

I'm sure after I see my doc tomorrow that I'll be told to stop talking or associating w/ M_.  This is killing me.  So much so that I don't want to go.  I have to go though.  I don't know how to handle this.  I wish he would talk.  Then maybe at least I'd know what was up and could convince the doc I'm doing what's right.  Instead it's really to a point where I feel it's obvious he only using me to get me 'out of his system'.  Besides all I do is get nervous. . .    I won't be that person that begs for answers or  'chases' after someone.  I figure if he wanted to he'd say something.  Therefore the silence gives me my answer. 

He does do things for me, and it's great!  But some people are jist that way?  M_ has always been the helper type.

*Jenni*