jist memories to let go | ugetthejist's Blog

I can't get it off my heart how I was that girl.  Being that girl ruined every good memory I ever had about M_.  I wish I could let it go.  Sleeping has only become more of a chore in my life.

M_ was my only good memory where nothing else got in the way or something like that.  My girls are full of good memories, but I see so many ways in which I wished I hadn't passed on my genetics in them.  So many things that have do to with DNA.  Mistakes I've made things like that. I guess what I'm saying is it's a different kind of comparison.  Not the same at all. 

M_, was simply something wonderful.  Since then I have never been able to open up my heart to anyone else.  I was afraid once someone really knew me they'd hate me.  Sometime my head can get a bit crazy and not in the fun way.  I get help and I do better everyday, but I never trusted M_ enough to open up and let him in. 

Years later after his life has moved on and seems together I come along and become that girl.  I became the one that will always be the secret.  It wasn't worth it.  It was selfish of me.  I remember him saying he wished I had closure over all those years.  I remember how more than once he said I don't owe him anything.  That made me so mad.  I didn't want closure.  I like feeling the gratitude I have for what he did for me. I'm the one who left, I'm the one who ran.  It was those memories that kept me going on some of my worst days.  It was the place I could go when my dreams become too much for my mind to handle.  And now I can't go there.  I hate it, and I hate myself for what I've done. 

I'll add it to my list of things I mange to f*ck up.  I left the first time.  I played the game the second time.  No one to blame but me.  And, yes M_'s all grown up and makes his own choices, I'm jist saying I'm the one who started it all.

You probably couldn't tell if you met me in person how much I don't like myself.  See I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for M_.  I hated myself.  I have always had a problem with hurting myself.  Not in ways people would see b/c I'm way too sneaky for that.  When M_ was around I felt like I made a difference in the world.  M_ was the one person in my life who showed me what 'normal' was.  I was a nice thing to see.   I can remember not too long after I left and a car was coming towards me.  I had every intention on letting it me, but them I remembered I was pregnant.  Things like that didn't go through my head when he'd talk to me. 

So now I am that girl.  I am that secret.  I am that girl that hurt someone in the worst way. Even if no one ever finds out how much I hurt someone I never met for things I wanted for myself.  I will always be the secret she may never know and the one who hurt her even if she never finds out.