ugetthejist's Blog

I never knew hate like this actually existed.  I use the word hate lightly.  I hate green beans.  I hate that person who cut me off while driving. 

I've been very angry w/ people who have done some awful things and thought of it as hate.  This tho, this is hate.

I hate the way he tried to control my life.  I especially hate the way he did control my life.  I hate the way he played mind games with my girls.  The way he degraded them like they were nothing.  All in an effort to make his point and 'teach' us something. 

I hate the way he still tries to bait me and get me to respond.  I hate him for coming to my job and yelling and cussing at me.  I hate how he does nothing physically threatening for me to take any action against.  I simply hate him! 

I don't want to feel this way.  I don't like feeling all the negativity.  I need to let go but then he is always still there.  Maybe this year he won't be at that school w/ his daughter.  Maybe she is going somewhere else.  I want to move away so he doesn't know where I am.  So he has no way to contact me.  But that simply isn't a realistic option for me. 

So simply put I need to work through this hatred.  I don't want to feel that way for anyone. 

Oh jist when I thought all was getting better.   Art comes up to work and cusses me out AT MY JOB! 

Somehow I go to the back room, there are no customers and the only other Barista is outside smoking.  But there you are Art still arguing and cussing.  I don't know with who but you sure did work up a good argument. 

Well anyhoot my girls are back on safety alert.  My youngest needs to be especially careful b/c I got an earful on why he should see her.  I can honesty see him grabbing her up and somehow to him it would be a good thing or the right thing. 

People hide for different reasons.....

Some people hide because, they want to know someone cares enough to look for them. 

I can't sleep and it making me really pissy!  It's storming like crazy outside...the perfect laying in bed and sleepy weather....and I can't sleep!!!

I visited a friends website today.  That was a mistake.  I saw things I'm trying not to think about.  I can't seem to find peace in some situations. 

Four days into June and I'm all ready falling apart!  I don't think I'm gonna make it.  I hate sounding all pity poty like, but I really can't handle it.  I haven't hurt myself for a long time now.  And yet now I can't get it off my mind.  I hate that too.  It's all jist crazy! 

So basically I'm falling apart and I can't seem to hold it together.  BLAH!!!

My youngest brother gave me some pills to help me out.  I think I'll have a good nights sleep starting in jist a minute?  Damn these things hit me hard and fast.  I forget my point now?

Oh....I'm going through one of those push you away problems.  If the girls didn't have their Dad in this State I would be gone in two seconds flat!  I hate this.  I am a strong supporter of paternal rights so I'd never do it.  But if it wasn't for him I'd be gone.  I can't stand to be here anymore. 

jist

My youngest brother gave me some pills to help me out.  I think I'll have a good nights sleep starting in jist a minute?  Damn these things hit me hard and fast.  I forget my point now?

Oh....I'm going through one of those push you away problems.  If the girls didn't have their Dad in this State I would be gone in two seconds flat!  I hate this.  I am a strong supporter of paternal rights so I'd never do it.  But if it wasn't for him I'd be gone.  I can't stand to be here anymore. 

jist

I can't get it off my heart how I was that girl.  Being that girl ruined every good memory I ever had about M_.  I wish I could let it go.  Sleeping has only become more of a chore in my life.

M_ was my only good memory where nothing else got in the way or something like that.  My girls are full of good memories, but I see so many ways in which I wished I hadn't passed on my genetics in them.  So many things that have do to with DNA.  Mistakes I've made things like that. I guess what I'm saying is it's a different kind of comparison.  Not the same at all. 

M_, was simply something wonderful.  Since then I have never been able to open up my heart to anyone else.  I was afraid once someone really knew me they'd hate me.  Sometime my head can get a bit crazy and not in the fun way.  I get help and I do better everyday, but I never trusted M_ enough to open up and let him in. 

Years later after his life has moved on and seems together I come along and become that girl.  I became the one that will always be the secret.  It wasn't worth it.  It was selfish of me.  I remember him saying he wished I had closure over all those years.  I remember how more than once he said I don't owe him anything.  That made me so mad.  I didn't want closure.  I like feeling the gratitude I have for what he did for me. I'm the one who left, I'm the one who ran.  It was those memories that kept me going on some of my worst days.  It was the place I could go when my dreams become too much for my mind to handle.  And now I can't go there.  I hate it, and I hate myself for what I've done. 

I'll add it to my list of things I mange to f*ck up.  I left the first time.  I played the game the second time.  No one to blame but me.  And, yes M_'s all grown up and makes his own choices, I'm jist saying I'm the one who started it all.

You probably couldn't tell if you met me in person how much I don't like myself.  See I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for M_.  I hated myself.  I have always had a problem with hurting myself.  Not in ways people would see b/c I'm way too sneaky for that.  When M_ was around I felt like I made a difference in the world.  M_ was the one person in my life who showed me what 'normal' was.  I was a nice thing to see.   I can remember not too long after I left and a car was coming towards me.  I had every intention on letting it me, but them I remembered I was pregnant.  Things like that didn't go through my head when he'd talk to me. 

So now I am that girl.  I am that secret.  I am that girl that hurt someone in the worst way. Even if no one ever finds out how much I hurt someone I never met for things I wanted for myself.  I will always be the secret she may never know and the one who hurt her even if she never finds out.

I was invited to go out.  Not this weekend it's way too busy.  But a coworker and I discussed going out.  She's tons of fun and we laugh while at work.  But I decided I wasn't ready.  I don't want to start hanging out with people yet. 

Tomorrow I work in the morn 6a and evening at two different stores.  I got off work tonight at 11:30p.  I'll be dog tired tomorrow.  I'm fine with it, not complaints.  I volunteered to do it since so many are busy with the race.  I love my job so it will be no biggie jist make me tired. 

I feeling peacful right now.  I want badly to see my girls, but they are with their dad for the weekend. 

Jist me

As if yesterday wasn't stressful enough. 

I have a friend who is not doing so well.  Physically.  Not gonna list details here b/c I'm not sure what's appropriate.  But that's killing me and I can't seem to get it all out.  And I hate there is nothing I can do about it.

My car breaks down right after I take my girls to their dad's.  Actually right by his house.  I call my mom to pick me up and of course she does.  But in the mean time guess who gets to help me.  The ex husband and his wife.  I have no problems with them, none at all.  My problem was the fact that there was no one else to help except for them.  No one else to help or call and cry to. I sent out a text to one person I know, but no response so oh well. 

I'm jist getting to a point where I feel like it's all falling apart!?!?  I'm not sure how to handle it.  My mom and dad have spent so much money to get me free from my last relationship.  So that abuse could stop.  But it seems like nothing ever changes.  It still seems like no matter what I touch or what I do it all jist f*cks up. 

I'm falling apart and I don't even know how to express it.  There is so much.  It seems like everything I touch of anything I'm part of jist gets ruined.  People and things.  And then to talk about it make me angry b/c  I think, dammit Jenni, stop feeling sorry for  yourself.  But damn it's one thing after another and never stops.

Someone form ICOC came into my store yesterday.  He starts asking all these questions and blah blah.  Then conversation turns to how it has taken him 18yrs to finally get restored back to the church.  That leads my thoughts to all the crap about God bringing me to my knees and things would be better if.........  The ultimate reason always being God is making you suffer b/c he wants your love and attention, not b/c he's punishing you.  But why do so many people around have to suffer????  I those ppl don't start coming to my store.  I  hope it was him by chance and they don't start coming.  I won't be able to handle that right now.  Not with what I've done lately. 

I jist so needed to rant...

I didn't get to sleep today so I am super tired and feeling a bit loopy.  So things may not make sense much.

I'm jist taking a moment to rant and complain.  If someone feels the need to laugh at me, feel free, I don't mind.  All I ask is jist wait until tomorrow b/c right now it's built up.

During her frst 7yrs of life T_ has all ready had (she is my youngest)

1.stitiches on an eyebrow

2. stitches on her chin

3. staples in her head

4.broken arm.

She's all girl and will trip over her own two feet.  Today while on the way to the bus stop or better simply going out the door she got hurt again.  T_ and Z_,10yrs old, compete about everything.  T_ is much taller than Z_ and Z_ loves playing the victom. 

Today they both deiced they were going to shut be the one to shut the front door.  Wel the damb front door never even got shut!!!  Or if it did T_'s finger stopped it.

T_ turned 8yrs old jist a few weeks ago.  Now she has a broken bone in her little finger. It's stitched up and missing some skin, and the nail will fall off soon.  T_ will be seeing a hand specialist next week and they have her on antibiotics.  I hate antibiotics, but it is pretty gross.

Somehow I thought having daughters meant I didn't have to deal with so many ER visits???  ERG!!!!

Today was very difficult.  I felt like I had no one to call and sit with me or simply jist sit on the phone with me.  I have/had many friends in the cult, I mean church, I jist left.  Somehow I felt like calling one of them would be more about what I deserve and blah blah blah rather than jist sitting quietly with me and being a friend. 

I had the privilage of holding my daughter down more than 1/2 a dozen times so she couldn't move.  While I'm holding her down some stranger is causing her pain.  The doctors always give parents the option of leaving the room if it's too hard for us.  Jeeze, yep, it's hard on ME so I need to leave the room.  Instead we will call in a doctor or nurse to assiste.  So basically some stranger will come hold down my child so she can't move.  While she screams as loud as she knows how to and scared to death. I'll stay in the hall with my hands over my ears b/c it's to hard on ME!!!

I felt so selfish b/c I didn't want to be there alone.  Nothing anything anyone could have done, nothing I wanted done.  I jist didn't want to be alone.  And here my youngest is hurting. 

Yep like I said jist bitching and ranting....I feel much better now.

The words self sabotage keep racing through my mind.  I think it's right.  I think my friend is right in that I have a way of sabotaging things out of fear.  In I know he's right. 

I make jokes, but in truth I really am afraid of 'normal'.  So I find something wrong and make it a problem.  I'm not sure how, but I do.

By normal I only mean not having drama, issues, and problems on a regular basis.  It's my own definition jist for me. 

I can see it.  I can acknowledge it.  I believe it is true.  But how do I fix it?  How do I make my life 'work'. 

At least now I can see it even if I don't have any answers.  That's one step forward. 

Warning:Supernatural spoiler

The season finale of Supernatural is one tonight.  I chose not to watch it now, but later instead.  However my girls did.  I heard them SCREAMING, stomping their feet and they even cried.  Dean died the episode tonight.  We've known about it for a year, but it happened tonight. 

The fun part is watching and hearing my girls get into a tv show.  Jist part of watching them grow and use their imaginations.  And of course Dean is such a hottie he can't go!!!

Jistme

My youngest, 8yrs old, jist took her school scissors and cut her hair!!!  She has no bangs.  NONE!!!! They hair on the top of her head is cut straight to the root. 

Her daddy is gonna give some big long lecture now!!!!  IDK what to do?  Um do you think it will grow back by next weekend?

I woke up this morning to my ususal sounds of summer.  The sounds I've been listening to for the past 14 or so springs and summers.  I heard the trains, the church bells, and now the sounds of the 500 race are starting too.  So much time has been wasted.  I don't want it back b/c I've learned so much.  I only wish somehow I could make it different.

When I woke up I thought of texting M_.  It was good thoughts, but I didn't.  I have this problem?????  Things sound good in my head then when they come out they are suddenly all wrong.  Since M_ never ask, and I don't blame him w/ our history, I decided instead not to contact.  I'd rather say nothing than have it come out bad.

Today I want to paint my stairs.  We'll see how far I get?